Somewhere in the last year of PhD I feel like I’ve lost my identity a little. Those things that make me who I am, the real me, how I express myself, how I feel centred. I’m sure this is completely normal on such an all-consuming journey, especially when you’re doing the ‘big P’ part-time alongside a full time job, like I am. I feel that any spare moments must go to my family. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for me to be me. This is not good news when you’re immersed in grief, loss, mourning and their emotions as part of your research.
So, I’ve had a little re-boot and re-think about what I need, to make me keep ticking , keep my identity and enjoy some more moments outside of PhD. These are the things I love – playing piano, reading, being in the mountains and of course my family.
Playing piano must be the best stress reliever I have. Strangely enough, it’s not a place where I empty my mind and just play, it’s a place of thinking for me. I sit down, play and pour my emotions out onto the keys, expressing myself. Some of the most precious compliments people have given me when listening to me play have been with regards to the emotion in my playing. This is a truly cathartic strategy for me. The thing is, I’ve not been doing this of late, when I used to play every evening. PhD has eaten into this and I’ve let it. All I need is 15-20 minutes to feel the benefit and it works so much better than reading (another beloved pastime).
I like to dabble in a bit of composition too and here is a middle portion of something I started writing about 10 months ago for piano. I suspect I won’t finish until after PhD but it’s something to look towards, meanwhile I’m determined to keep playing and ensure I have an outlet for the research I’m writing up. Hopefully, I’ll feel more like the me of old.
For the love of catharsis 